Terry Pratchett. Hogfather
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- Terry Pratchett. Hogfather
- COULD I GIVE YOU A HAND?
- SORRY.
- CORRECT.
- THROUGH A DOOR...
- SQUEAK?
- IT DOES NOT APPEAR SO.
- IT LOOKS VERY BAD.
- IT WORKS ON HORSES.
- REALLY? YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK?
- VERY WELL, THEN.
- APPLE! SAUCE!
- SQUEAK?
- SQUEAK!
- SQUEAK!
- SQUEAK?
- SQUEAK!
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK!
- HEEK! HEEK! HEEK!
- EEK?
- EEK IK EEK SQUEAK!
- IT WORKS FOR ME.
- HO. HO. HO.
- REALLY? HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?
- AND IF HE HAS BEEN GOOD I MAY GIVE HIM THIS KLATCHIAN WAR CHARIOT WITH
- OH DEAR. AND NOW?
- SOCKS.
- SERVE HIM RIGHT, IF I MAY VENTURE TO EXPRESS AN OPINION...
- CAN YOU THINK OF A BETTER ALTERNATIVE, ALBERT?
- SQUEAK?
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- ALBERT SAID IT WOULD HELP ME GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF THE THING. ER
- AGAIN
- THE HOGFATHER IS ... UNAVAILABLE.
- YES.
- ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION. YES. HE HAS BECOME SO. THE SPIRIT OF
- THERE ARE ... MORE SUBTLE WAYS.
- SELF-RELIANT? MAKING YOUR OWN WAY IN THE WORLD?
- GOOD. WELL, COME, ALBERT. WE WILL LOAD THE STOCKINGS AND GET ON WITH
- SOMEONE CHRISTENED THE CHILD TWYLA?
- AND THE OTHER ONE GAWAIN?
- WHY GAWAIN?
- A SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY, I SUSPECT. I SEE THE GIRL WRITES IN GREEN
- SHE SAYS SHE IS FIVE YEARS OLD.
- BUT SHE BELIEVES IN THE HOGFATHER?
- NOW WE MUST BE GOING. HAPPY HOGSWATCH. ER ... OH, YES: HO. HO. HO.
- EIGHT THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN PORK PIES. AND ONE TURNIP.
- TO THE HOGFATHER, ALL PORK PIES ARE AS ONE PORK PIE. EXCEPT THE ONE
- I AM SORRY. I CANNOT TELL YOU. FORGET YOU
- AND NOW ... WE MUST BE GOING...
- OH DEAR.
- YOU THINK SO?
- OBVIOUSLY IT WOULD BE QUITE WRONG TO INVOLVE A HUMAN IN ALL THIS. THAT
- THE NIGHT IS OLD. THE NIGHT IS ALWAYS OLD.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- NOT KLATCH. NOT HOWOWONDALAND. NOT THE EMPIRE.
- LET US SAY 20 MILLION CHILDREN AT 2LB OF TOYS PER CHILD.
- EQUALS 17,857 TONS. 1,785 TONS PER HOUR.
- CUSHION.
- HOGFA...
- YOU THINK SO?
- YES.
- HO. HO. HO.
- REALLY? HO. HO. HO.
- NOT REAL? HO. HO. HO.
- THE CHILDREN KNOW THIS? HO. HO. HO.
- THIS SHOULD NOT BE. NO WONDER THERE HAS BEEN . . . THIS DIFFICULTY.
- WHERE DOES THIS TRAVESTY TAKE PLACE? HO. HO. HO.
- HO. HO. HO.
- AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR HOGSWATCH, SMALL HUMAN?
- WHY ARE YOUR HANDS ON BITS OF STRING, CHILD?
- I SEE. VERY PRACTICAL.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- OH. ER ... GOOD.
- AND BE GOOD. THIS IS PART OF THE ARRANGEMENT.
- MEANT TO BE SAFE.
- THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
- HOW OLD ARE YOU, BOY?
- I CAN GIVE FAR MORE THAN ORANGES.
- YES.
- HE OPENS THOSE BOXES HIS MOTHER WAS CARRYING ...
- HO. HO. HO.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK?
- SQUEAK. EEK?
- SQUEAK?
- HAPPY HOGSWATCH. HO. HO. HO. AND YOUR NAME IS ... EUPHRASIA COAT,
- AND YOU ARE SIX YEARS OLD.
- AND YOU WANT A PONY
- YES, I KNOW. WHAT A NAUGHTY PIG IT WAS, INDEED.
- HERE IS A BRIDLE FOR YOUR PONY, AND A SADDLE, AND A RATHER STRANGE HARD
- HO. HO. YES. WHAT A JOLLY FAT MAN I AM. IN THE KITCHEN? WHAT A JOKE.
- MORE HYGIENIC.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK?
- SQUEAK!
- HO. HO. HO. YES INDEED, HELLO, SMALL CHILD CALLED VERRUCA LUMPY, WHAT A
- YES. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL BELIEF.
- TINKLE. TINKLE
- FIZZ.
- AND HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BO ... A GOOD DWA ... A GOOD GNO ... A GOOD
- SOMETHING NICE?
- AND YOU WILL OF COURSE BE GOOD FOR ANOTHER YEAR?
- NOW, I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE?
- AH, YES ...
- WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- OFF YOU GO.
- I WAS RATHER PUZZLED BY THE LITTLE BOY IN THE CHAIN MAIL, THOUGH.
- JOLLY GOOD. HO. HO. HO.
- AND WHAT DOES SHE WANT FOR HOGSWATCH? HO. HO. HO.
- I EXPECT A DOLL IS ALWAYS ACCEPTABLE. OR A SOFT TOY OF SOME
- OH.
- BUT THIS IS HOGSWATCHNIGHT.
- COME ON, ALBERT.
- THE HOGFATHER CAN DO IT, THOUGH.
- I KNOW WHAT THE SPIRIT OF HOGSWATCH IS, ALBERT.
- AH. THEY TURN UP AT THE LAST MINUTE WITH WARM CLOTHES AND A HOT DRINK?
- WELL?
- WHY NOT TURN UP BEFORE? AN ANGEL HAS QUITE A LARGE CARRYING CAPACITY.
- ALBERT.
- WELL BE CHECKING UP LATER.
- D-R-Y-D-F-R-O-R-G-?-P-I-L-L-S
- A JOB WELL DONE, I FANCY.
- DO I DETECT A NOTE OF UNSEASONAL
- BUT THE HOGFATHER CAN CHANGE THINGS. LITTLE MIRACLES ALL OVER THE
- WELL, WHEN I SAY THE REAL MEANING
- NOT EXACTLY THAT, BUT-
- THAT IS DEFINITELY A MEANING, BUT I
- I THINK YOU COULD WORK WITH ME ON THIS.
- VERY WELL, THEN. THE HOGFATHER CAN TEACH PEOPLE THE UNREAL MEANING OF
- THERE ARE WORSE BATTLE CRIES.
- EXCUSE ME ...
- TURN THE SLEIGH AROUND, ALBERT. DUTY CALLS.
- A MORE POSITIVE ATTITUDE WOULD ASSIST AT THIS POINT, THANK YOU SO VERY
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK?
- I HAVE MY SUSPICIONS.
- YES. IT DOES.
- A PLACE I CANNOT GO.
- YES.
- INDEED:
- IT JUST GOES TO SHOW.
- LIFE CERTAINLY SPRINGS A FEW SURPRISES.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, SIRE?
- WERE YOU HERE LAST MONTH? WILL YOU BE HERE NEXT WEEK? NO. BUT TONIGHT
- DOES IT BRING TEARS TO YOUR EYES?
- WELL, IF YOU ARE SURE ...
- VERY WELL.
- HAPPY HOGSWATCH. HO. HO. HO.
- HO. HO. HO.
- I FEEL I WAS CUT OUT FOR THIS SORT OF THING, YOU KNOW.
- EXCEPT IN SPECIAL AND RATHER UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES.
- AND THEY SELDOM LEAVE A GLASS OF SHERRY OUT.
- I COULD GET INTO THE HABIT OF DOING THIS, IN FACT.
- YES. OF COURSE.
- I HAVE ALWAYS CHOSEN THE PATH OF DUTY.
- I AM THOROUGHLY IN CONTROL AND FIRM OF PURPOSE.
- NO NEED TO WORRY AT ALL.
- NEVERTHELESS ...
- HO. HO. HO.
- THIS IS REALLY, REALLY STUPID.
- DAMN.
- THE DOOR HAS NO HANDLE ON THE INSIDE. I CALL THAT INCONSIDERATE.
- AH.
- ER ...
- RIGHT. RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
- ER ... I WAS WITH YOU UP TO THE THUMB...
- AH. RIGHT. GOT YOU.
- IT APPEARS NOT.
- BUT THE LETTER CLEARLY
- I GAVE THEM WHAT THEY WANTED IN THE STORE . . .
- YOU HAVE ME THERE.
- AND YOU MEAN THAT BECAUSE OF THIS THE POOR GET POOR THINGS AND THE RICH
- PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME. WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT ABOUT HAVING A POT TO PISS
- ARE THEY POOR?
- BUT SURELY NOT MORE POOR THAN ANY OTHER MOUSE? AND, AFTER ALL, THERE
- OH. I SEE. DO CARRY ON.
- BUT HOW MUCH BETTER TO HAVE A TOY CARVED WITH---
- LUNCH?
- EVEN SO, THE SPIRIT OF HOGSWATCH---
- BUT SUPPOSING THE HOGFATHER HAD BROUGHT YOU THE WONDERFUL HORSE---
- BUT WE HAVE BEEN INTO HOUSES WHERE THE CHILDREN HAD MANY TOYS AND
- IT IS ... UNFAIR.
- NO. YOU MEAN THIS IS HOW IT GOES.
- THE PEASANT HAD A HANDFUL OF BEANS AND THE KING HAD SO MUCH HE WOULD
- IT IS BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE, ALBERT.
- YES, IT CAME OUT OF THE SACK.
- NO.
- NO.
- NO.
- NO.
- NO.
- YES.
- THEY WERE JUST LYING AROUND.
- NO ONE SEEMED TO BE USING THEM, ALBERT.
- REALLY.
- JUST... LYING AROUND. YOU KNOW. RECUMBENT.
- THERE WAS A CERTAIN CULINARINESS ABOUT THE PLACE, I RECALL.
- THE BEGGARS WILL ENJOY IT, ALBERT.
- THEN IT WILL BE A NAUGHTY DEED IN A NAUGHTY WORLD AND WILL PASS
- THEY HAVE BEEN PROVIDED FOR, OF COURSE. I AM NOT COMPLETELY HEARTLESS.
- ONWARDS AND DOWNWARDS, THEN.
- LET ME SEE NOW
- THEY MUST SHOW YOU AN ABSENCE OF PENCIL?
- I SUPPOSE I MUST TELL YOU.
- HEX? WHAT IS HEX?
- HE HAS ENEMIES.
- EVERY LIVING THING HAS ENEMIES.
- YES. EVERYTHING. POWERFUL ENEMIES. BUT THEY HAVE CONE TOO FAR THIS
- THOSE WHO THINK THE UNIVERSE SHOULD BE A LOT OF ROCKS MOVING IN CURVES.
- NOT AUDITORS OF MONEY. AUDITORS OF REALITY. THEY THINK OF LIFE AS A
- THE EFFICIENT RUNNING OF THE UNIVERSE.
- QUITE SO.
- I MEAN HUMANITY IN GENERAL. ER... THE ACT OF TELLING THE UNIVERSE IT IS
- SOMEONE MUST. IT IS VITALLY IMPORTANT. THEY MUST BE SEEN, AND BELIEVED.
- SO THAT THE SUN WILL COME UP.
- A MACHINE FOR THINKING?
- LEAVE US.
- NO. THEY SAY YOU ARE A THINKER. EXTEND LOGICALLY THE RESULT OF THE
- CORRECT. HOW MAY THIS BE PREVENTED? ANSWER.
- GOOD. I HAVE A TASK FOR YOU, THINKING ENGINE.
- WHAT IS THAT?
- GOOD. HERE IS YOUR INSTRUCTION. BELIEVE IN
- THE HOGFATHER.
- DO YOU BELIEVE? ANSWER.
- DO... YOU... BELIEVE? ANSWER.
- GOOD.
- BUT YOU ARE A MACHINE. THINGS HAVE NO DESIRES. A DOORKNOB WANTS
- ARE YOU?
- IT IS NOT OVER. MORE MUST BE DONE. THEY TORMENT HIM STILL.
- I TOO HAVE DONE WHAT I SET OUT TO DO. I HAVE KEPT A SPACE. A MILLION
- OF THAT. ALBERT SAYS HE NEVER WANTS TO DRINK ANOTHER SHERRY FOR DAYS.
- YOU MUST BRING THE HOGFATHER BACK.
- NO. SO THAT THE SUN WILL RISE.
- OLD GODS DO NEW JOBS.
- OTHER ENEMIES. YOU MAY AS WELL KNOW THIS. DOWN IN THE DEEPEST KINGDOMS
- GOOD. NOW, IMAGINE WHAT THEY THINK OF HUMANITY.
- WE MUST HURRY. THERE IS NOT MUCH TIME.
- AND MEDDLE?
- THIS TIME IT IS OTHERS WHO ARE DOING IT. AND THEY HAVE NO RIGHT.
- THEY HAVE NO NAME. CALL THEM THE AUDITORS. THEY RUN THE UNIVERSE. THEY
- IT IS... IRREGULAR. IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. THEY LIKE STONES,
- OF HUMOUR.
- IT IS THE THINGS YOU BELIEVE WHICH MAKE YOU HUMAN. GOOD THINGS AND BAD
- BACK TO A PLACE HE KNOWS. AN EARLY PLACE...
- YOU WILL KNOW WHEN YOU SEE IT.
- I TOLD YOU. TO ENSURE THAT THE SUN COMES UP.
- NO.
- I WISH I WAS AS CLEVER AS YOU.
- YES.
- NOT KILL. HE KNOWS HOW TO DIE. OH, YES... IN THIS SHAPE, HE KNOWS HOW
- YOU MUST. THIS IS A HUMAN THING.
- NO.
- WHY NOT? YOU HAVE HAD AN EDUCATION.
- MERE ACCUMULATION OF OBSERVATIONAL EVIDENCE IS NOT PROOF.
- HO. HO. HO.
- AND, YOU SEE, THE MORE YOU STRUGGLE FOR EVERY MOMENT, THE MORE ALIVE
- YES. THERE ARE RULES. BUT YOU BROKE THEM. HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU?
- HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY... OR NICE?
- HO. HO. HO.
- NO. IT WAS REMEMBERED.
- I WAS QUITE CONFIDENT.
- NO.
- THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN.
- THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN.
- A MERE BALL OF FLAMING GAS WOULD HAVE ILLUMINATED THE WORLD.
- I AM NOTHING IF NOT LITERAL-MINDED. TRICKERY WITH WORDS IS WHERE HUMANS
- REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO
- YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE
- YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.
- YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST
- MY POINT EXACTLY.
- THERE IS A PLACE WHERE TWO GALAXIES HAVE BEEN COLLIDING FOR A MILLION
- OH, YES. A VERY SPECIAL KIND OF STUPIDITY. YOU THINK THE WHOLE UNIVERSE
- YES.
- SOMEONE SHOULD.
- A CUP OF COCOA WOULD BE APPROPRIATE IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
- WELL, WELL. INDEED. MY GOODNESS ME.
- INDEED. OH, YES. I PLANNED TO SEE WHAT YOU WOULD DO.
- YOU ARE VERY RESOURCEFUL. AND OF COURSE YOU HAVE HAD AN EDUCATION.
- I DID ADD THE SPARKLY STARS AND THE NOISE, THOUGH. I THOUGHT THEY WOULD
- I DARESAY I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING. AT THE LAST MINUTE.
- THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR ANOTHER LAST MINUTE.
- EDUCATIONAL. THE WORLD WILL TEACH THEM ABOUT MONSTERS SOON ENOUGH. LET
- I THINK THEY HAD A VERY GOOD IDEA OF WHAT HE WAS.
- STOP PLAYING DEAD, MISTER TEH-AH-TIM-EH.
- OF COURSE.
- SOME PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THE SHEER FASCINATION OF DOING IT,
- ER... YOU DID KNOW THE POKER WOULD GO THROUGH ME?
- YOU WERE NEVER IN ANY DOUBT?
- I HAVE MADE THIS FOR YOU.
- ALBERT SAID THERE OUGHT TO BE SNOW ON IT, BUT IT APPEARS TO HAVE
- IS, OF COURSE, A HOGSWATCH CARD.
- THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON IT AS WELL, BUT I HAD CONSIDERABLE
- IT WAS NOT AT ALL CO-OPERATIVE.
- IT DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE HOGSWATCH
- SPIRIT AT ALL.
- YES?
- WELL THEN... HAPPY HOGSWATCH.
- AND GOOD NIGHT, CHILDREN... EVERYWHERE.
- SQUEAK.
- SQUEAK-EEK. EEK-SQUEAK...
- NO. I WILL BUY IT.
- THERE ARE OTHER TOYS?
- THEN I WILL TAKE THE HORSE. HOW MUCH WOULD THIS LORDSHIP HAVE PAID YOU?
- NO. I WILL TAKE IT AS IT IS. THANK YOU. I WILL LEAVE VIA THE BACK WAY,
- YOU MAKE GOOD TOYS.
- THE END
